“Just be yourself” – This statement is constantly told to people when they ask “What do I say to that beautiful girl over there looking and smiling at me?” Their friends will say something like “Just be yourself, bro. You’ll be fine.” What do they mean by this?
The Ultimate Fear of Rejection
Why is it so hard for people to be themselves? We are afraid. We are afraid that if we show our true selves then we can get rejected. We all wear a mask around others, hiding our true feelings. We think that showing our true feelings and desires will cause others to view us as imperfect. Yet, these imperfections are beautiful because they are what make us unique.
I believe that the biggest reason as to why relationships end is because of change. Some change is adaptable and can be managed, but when people present a false persona of who they are and what they want to make someone happy then the relationship is built on a lie. The person is attracted to the fictitious you. So many people sacrifice who they are just to make others happy. This all happens from the moment most people first meet each other.
How do I know all of this? It happened to me. There is a lot of advice out there on how to ‘act’ around women and I soaked up every piece of backwards information when I was younger. This advice included being a jerk, becoming cocky/funny and wearing things that made you stand out in a crowd (see: Peacocking). I tried everything and believe it or not, some of it did actually work. It wasn’t working because I have all of a sudden learned these great new tools. It was working because I was actually approaching women for a change. Although, I wasn’t attracting girls that were similar to me and I couldn’t figure out why. I was attracting girls with low self-esteem and dysfunctional attachment styles. I also thought after your first success that a surge of confidence would flow through you like a lightning bolt from Thor’s hammer! Not only was I not more confident, but I was confused and dismayed by my first “successes.” It wasn’t until two dysfunctional relationships later that I realized what people meant when they said “Be yourself.”
An Example of Being Fake
Have you ever been talking to a girl and she said she likes some band, movie etc., and you suddenly try and think of everything you know about that specific topic? Yea, you and thousands of other guys. Most men have the belief that if you just have a lot of things in common with a girl then she will like you. Similarly people think that if they have things that are not in common with the girl then she will not like them. People appreciate honesty. We have a built-in bullshit meter to detect when people are being fake and when they want something from us. Girls sense this off of guys that want something from them and they label them as “creepy” or “weird.” This all stems from the guy putting the girl way high up on the pedestal. Being needy is not attractive and conversely, being non-needy is attractive.
So how do we eliminate this need for an outcome (Taking sex from the girl)? What you first have to realize is that girls are people too. It sucks to have to say this, but most guys see girls as an object or an achievement. You also have to realize that girls enjoy sex too. Girls get nervous around hot and cool guys and they worry if they are saying the right thing or not as well. Realizing these two things will help relieve a lot of tension and worrying when communicating to a women. It also allows you to be more authentic.
Why We Should Be Ourselves
Be authentic. Authenticity is an alignment with our thoughts, feelings and behavior. This way of being builds trust by abolishing other peoples’ guards or masks. The relationship between you and the girl will be planted in the roots of honesty. You are giving the person the choice to reject or accept the real you. Trust me, not everyone will like you for who you really are, but everyone will respect you. If people don’t like you for who you really are then there is no reason to have them in your life anyways. This is important because you want people in your life that accept you for you.
So the next time a girl says that she likes something that you do not, do not hesitate to speak your mind on the subject. The reason why “Assholes” often get the girl is not because they treat the girl badly, but because most assholes do not care what the girl thinks about them. This indifference is refreshing and helps the girls relax. But conversely, you do not have to be a jerk to get the girl. Just do not be afraid to speak your own mind without a filter. You will be pleasantly surprised how people start to treat you differently.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
-Carl Gustav Jung
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