What Self-Esteem Is
- Self-Esteem is confidence in your ability to cope with life stress.
- Self-Esteem constantly receives feedback from the environment and produces thoughts, feelings and actions.
- Self-Esteem is reputation with yourself.
- It determines who we fall in love with and our level of ambition.
- You cannot have too much Self-Esteem.
- Questioning whether you have enough Self-Esteem puts it as if there any debate.
- Self-Esteem can rise and fall over time.
- The only place you can find Self-Esteem is within.
- It is what your own opinion of yourself.
Examples of Low Self-Esteem
- People with a painful previous experience leads to passivity and lack of trust in the now.
- Poor Self-Esteem leads to blindness reality, conformity or rebelliousness fear of other people.
- People with low Self-Esteem try to constantly prove themselves.
- They express evasive communication and have an underlying uncertainty about everything.
- People with low Self-Esteem tend to get close with others that match their level.
- They think, “If I don’t feel lovable then I won’t believe anyone else can love me.”
- They unwittingly become a saboteur of love.
- They pick someone that abandons them.
- They demand reassurances.
- They resent people low with high achievement. (Haters/trolls).
- They have a lowered awareness about themselves and others.
- They constantly disown their feelings.
- They are manipulated by a fear of failure and the responsibility of success.
Examples of High Self-Esteem
- They show more perseverance for success.
- People with high Self-Esteem have more self respect and treat me that way.
- There is a stronger drive express themselves.
- They communicate honestly.
- They believe their thoughts have value.
- There is a basic confidence that they can handle life’s challenges.
- High amounts of self trust self-reliance.
- They believe they are worthy of happiness.
- They are comfortable asserting wants and needs.The 6 Pillars
1. Practive of Living Consciously
Most people are sleep walking through existence. Living consciously means constantly expanding your consciousness. They want to discover laws of reality and avoid dropping to a lower level of consciousness. Lower levels of consciousness are induced by drugs and alcohol. Living mindfully is a way to be more conscious. Living consciously means acting on what you see and know in the present moment. When you are conscious, you accept your fears and do not deny facts.
You recognize that your feelings aren’t a guide to truth. When you live consciously you are searching for feedback on your actions. You are receptive to new knowledge that comes your way. You are aware that your own values are just that. Others are different than you and you respect that by not fantisizing what it would be like if everyone followed your perspective on life.
Sentence Completion Activity
Start with part of a sentence finish 6 to 10 times. Use a pen or piece of paper.
“Living consciously to me means _____”
“I can live 5% more consciously by ____”
“If I feel fear with ____ then I would do ___ differently.”
“If I wanted to feel more powerful and effective then I would ____”
2. Practive Self Acceptance
“Self-Esteem is something we experience and therefore Self Acceptance is something we do” -Nathaniel Branden
Self acceptance refers to the orientation of self virtue and commitment. This part of you develops once you say to yourself that,
“I have a right to exist.”
So many people are inwardly focused and thus think that everybody else thinks, acts, and desires what they do. Accepting reality doesn’t mean you have to like it. When you deny it, then it gains power. Self-acceptance is about allowing things to be without questioning them.
Tip: If you cannot accept something then accept that you are resisting it.
Sentence Completion Activity
“Self acceptance to me means ____”.
“If I am more accepting of my conflicts then I will ____”.
“When I disown my conflicts I _____”.
When I deny my feelings and thoughts I ____”.
3. Practice Self-Responsbility
Self responsibility means you accept that you are in your current life predicament becuase of you. It means that you are responsible for changing it to. It means not expecting anyone to do things for you. I’ll tell you my current struggle with this pillar.
My Story of Responsibility
I was finishing up my last semester in my Masters program. I only had to finish my internship and then my dream job was waiting for me in San Diego. I had about 40 hours left to finish my internship requirement and then I could graduate. The first week of summer came and my schedule completely changed. I lost track of time and realized that I was late for a session. I called in to say I was on my way, but the supervisor under that case said someone else was seeing the client and I should not come back.
I freaked out and immediately contacted my professor. The professor said my error was worse than I thought and so he came up with a plan to keep me back a whole year to make ammends for my missed session. His rationale was that I breached ethical violations.
At first I didn’t know my rights and what I could do. I was just a passenger, blindly accepting what he said. I then realized that I could fight it and take responsibility for my actions. at first I thought that maybe I could have created a better relationship with the professor before-hand or not have missed the session. But this is taking responsibility for things that I could not change.
It was more important to recognize what I could be responsible for in the present moment. I read up on the ethical laws and contacted as many people to help me as possible. I made it my mission to do everything in my power to move forward and not lose my future job. Even if I failed, I would know that I at least tried.
How many people would have gave up in this situation or just complained about it and did nothing? I am sure a lot. Think to yourself how you can take up to 10-20% more responsibility in your life today.
4. Practice of Self Assertiveness
Honor your needs and desires and values. You do this by speaking your mind and standing up for what you beleive in no matter the cost.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
You do not avoid confrontation with those opposite to you. You realize that not everybody will like you and that is okay. Standing up for what you believe in doesn’t mean you look for confrontation, it only means you aren’t afraid of it. It doesn’t mean you need to be aggressive. You can disagree with someone and still treat others with respect. You live your life authentically. This means your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all in alignment.
Example: If you are a huge Trump fan and someone says they hate Trump because he is a bigot. Self-assertiveness would mean that you give reasons as to why you think he is a great candidate.
The practice of self assertiveness means, “My needs are important”. You voice should convey the message that, “What I am saying is important and it matters.”
5. Practice of Living Purposely
“To live without purpose is to live by the mercy of chance.” -Unknown
Living with a purpose means you desire to translate thoughts into reality. You have specific goals in life that you attempt to accomplish. You adjust your goals based on other peoples’ feedback, but you don’t rely on it.
4 Ways to Increase Living Purposely
2.Identify actions to achieve your goals
3. Monitor your behavior to check if your goals align with your purpose.
4. Pay attention of outcomes
“The root of Self-Esteem is never our achievements” -Nathaniel Branden
“Living purposely to me means______”
To find your purpose ask yourself what you are good and what you love to do. You may have to serach back into childhood, but realizing it will set you free.
6. Practice of Personal Integrity
Activity: Make you own mission statement. Write down your values and print it out. This mission statment should signify what you believe in and who you strive to be. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are living our life with little integrity. Below are some ways to restore integrity if it is lost.
Ways to Restore integrity
1. You face full reality of what you do without disownment or avoidance.
2. You seek to understand why you did what you did.
3. If others are involved, you acknowledge the harm you have done and face the consequences.
4. You take any and all actions available to minimize the harm done.
5. You commit yourself to act differently in your future.
Last Thoughts on Your Self
The biggest lie is that it’s easy to be selfish. People sacrifice themselves everyday in a thousand ways. This is our tragedy. To put oneself first is the ultimate act if courage. Observe how rare it is when the hero lives his life to protect and care for himself first. How can you expect to help others when you need help yourself?
The first enemy to Self-Esteem is laziness. We only fail ourselves when we failed to try. Our emotions want to avoid discomfort, even though that is the area in which we grow. Relinquish your fantasy of the rescuer. No one is coming to save you and give you the life you want. You must TAKE it for yourself!
Choose your values and stand by them. Avoiding pain in the present moment only brings new pain and problems in the future. When we live life by these 6 pillars, we end up liking ourselves more. You cannot escape yourself. At the end of the day you have to realize that who you are and what you done has happened. If it were easy to accept this then everyone would have high Self-Esteem.
Love for own life. It is the only one you have.
Take this quiz to measure your own levels of Self-Esteem.
Check out 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem By: Nathaniel Branden to view a more in depth breakdown of each of these pillars.